Starving for Perfection
by LittleBritainFanatic
Summary: Judy develops an eating disorder after a few flippant jokes about her weight. Can Maggie get her healthy, happy partner back before it's too late? Established Maggie/Judy. Trigger warnings for eating disorders. f/f
1. Chapter 1

As sunlight streamed into the room through a chink in the curtains, Judy Pike awoke on her side, and, although she wasn't wearing her glasses, she could tell that Maggie Blackamore was facing her. Without bothering to roll over, Judy groped blindly for her glasses, and, finally locating them, let the spectacles rest on the bridge of her nose. Now able to see clearly, she realised that Maggie was awake, smiling straight at her. Judy loved the way the toothy grin spread right across Maggie's face, for it smoothed out her wrinkles, and made her seem so much younger - not that that mattered to Judy, she loved Maggie because she was ... well, Maggie, not because she looked good for her age.

"Good morning, sleepy head," Maggie's cheerful voice brought Judy back to reality.

Pushing her glasses up onto her forehead, Judy rubbed her eyes childishly. "I beg your pardon, Maggie?" She said, not quite understanding Maggie's use of 'sleepy head '. Judy and Maggie, despite being a couple, still had the habit of talking to each other as they would strangers: they were extremely polite, even with each other.

"It's nearly ten o'clock, Judy." Maggie explained, gesturing to the clock on the wall.

Feeling herself start to blush, Judy shifted so she was sitting up. From this position, she could clearly see that Maggie was fully dressed, and was laying on top of the duvet rather than under it.

"I've been up for hours," Maggie continued, loving the way Judy's chubby face flushed when she was embarrassed.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Maggie, you should have woken me up." Judy wasn't sure why she was being so apologetic, but guessed she didn't want to offend Maggie.

"It doesn't matter, Judy." Maggie smiled again, and leaned in to softly kiss Judy on the lips. Judy shivered, trying to deepen the kiss, but Maggie pulled back, clearly just giving her a good morning kiss, nothing more. "I just wanted to wake you up now, because we've got company at lunch, remember?"

Still trembling from the kiss, Judy looked at Maggie, now sat beside her, fully aware of her bright red cheeks. "Of course," She said, remembering. "I'll get ready now, Maggie." Giving Maggie's hand a quick squeeze, Judy clamoured out of bed, and headed into the bathroom.

As she washed her face, Judy found herself thinking about Maggie, her girlfriend. Girlfriend. It still amazed her now, even though she and Maggie had been together for four months now, because she had never expected Maggie, in a million years, to be a lesbian. Judy knew that many people said that, but, with someone like Maggie, it really was true; Maggie was well known in Pox, their home village, as being the most prejudiced, racist, homophobic member of the Women's Association that they both belonged to. So, even though they had known each other since Maggie moved to Pox just over twenty years ago, Judy hadn't had any suspicions about Maggie's sexuality - at least not until the went on holiday last year...

In the middle of a beautiful, relaxing day in the sun, Judy struggling to keep her eyes off of her friend, who looked particularly attractive in her beach wear, Maggie, completely out of the blue suggested that they both kiss. Although Judy had almost exploded with happiness as Maggie spoke, she had forced herself to explain to Maggie - who, judging by the innocent smile on her face, didn't realise what her comment meant - that if two women kiss, it makes them lesbians. Of course, although it made Judy want to cry, Maggie was entirely predictable: she immediately projectile vomited everywhere, clearly disgusted by her behaviour, wondering how one earth she could have even suggested doing such a thing - but, the incident had shown Judy that, for the first time, that Maggie could, one day return her feelings.

Although neither of them had mentioned the attempted kiss since then, Judy had known that something changed between the pair of them, but she still didn't know what had happened. They became closer, in a platonic way, of course, but she could tell that Maggie was behaving strangely; Judy had caught Maggie staring at her on several occasions, which made her heart race - back then, Judy lost count of how many times she wanted to kiss Maggie, but wasn't brave enough. In fact, this awkward tension between the two of them carried on for months, but Judy remembered the moment four months ago, when everything changed:

_It was the church's annual Easter celebration, and, as usual, Judy and Maggie had been invited. So far, Maggie had managed to avoid eating any food, which meant that the hall ws currently vomit free. As the choir finished another hymn, and a round of applause filled the room, the vicar made his way over to the pair of them, smiling broadly._

_"Hello, ladies." He shook both of their hands, getting a "Hello, Vicar," from Maggie and a nod from Judy._

_A particularly beautiful song began, and several people moved into the middle of the hall, starting to slowly dance._

_Noticing this, the vicar held his hand out to Maggie, "Would you care to join me?" He asked._

_Maggie smiled nervously, clearly weighing the situation up in her head, before taking his hand, and following the vicar into the centre of the room. They both swayed from side to side, his hands on her shoulders, her hands on his hips, weaving around the other couples also dancing._

_Judy stared enviously as the vicar danced with Maggie, feeling, for some reason, betrayed. She followed them with her eyes, but, when the vicar reached up and kissed Maggie on the cheek, Judy had to turn away, trembling. Walking off, Judy was unable to stop a few tears trickling down her face._

_"Judy?" Judy turned around, and saw Maggie behind her, face ridden with concern. "What's wrong?"_

_Unable to speak she was sobbing so hard, Judy, in a desperate attempt to explain her situation, suddenly kissed Maggie on the lips. She immediately tensed up, relating what she had done, covering her face as she waited for Maggie to vomit all over her. But, to Judy's amazement, Maggie just took her hands, and lowered them, so Judy's face was now on show._

_"I'm so sorry, Maggie." Judy whispered, voice wavering. Why was she so stupid?_

_Maggie seemed stunned, but, after a while, slowly spoke, "I love you, Judy." Was all she said. _

_"What?" Judy replied in disbelief. This couldn't be happening to her, Maggie had t be joking._

_"I'm not a lesbian - I just like you." Maggie explained calmly, smiling. "And I know you like me too." Maggie kissed Judy back, leaving the short woman staring at her._

_Finally, Judy managed to speak, "Yes, I do." She agreed, happier than she had been for a long time._

Judy realised that she was crying, and hurriedly wiped her eyes, hoping they wouldn't be left swollen and red. Glancing at the bathroom clock, she saw it was almost eleven, and panicked, wondering how so such time could have passed. Quickly brushing her teeth, Judy returned to the bedroom to change. It took her a while to pick what to wear, for Judy was very fussy about what clothes she should wear for her body shape, but eventually she chose a lilac dress, which hugged her stomach a bit, but she hoped it was alright, and was almost certain that Maggie wouldn't care what she chose to wear.

After giving her hair a quick brush, Judy headed downstairs, trying to find Maggie. Following the amazing smell of baking cakes, Judy entered the kitchen, and watched Maggie put a tray of scones in the oven from the doorway. For several minutes, she stood in silence, just watching Maggie bake, something she was extremely good at.

"You look lovely, Judy." Maggie said as she spotted her, and Judy blushed, glad that Maggie appreciated her for who she was, regardless of her size.


	2. Chapter 2

After the compliment, Judy and Maggie set about preparing for their luncheon in silence. Using her initiative the day before, Judy had persuaded Maggie to do the cooking, so, as Maggie had chosen recipes by people she approved, there would be no vomiting incidents to ruin the party. Which meant that Judy had to lay the table; it should have been a boring job, but Judy tried her hardest to be creative, hoping that everyone would appreciate her effort. Judy was just adding the finishing touches to the dining table when the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it, Judy!" Maggie called from the kitchen, which was closer to the hallway, and Judy heard her open the door. "Hello, dear," Maggie said cheerfully.

Hearing the loud reply, Judy realised that it was Samantha Roberts, another member of the Women's Association. Judy sighed heavily - why did she have to be the first guest to arrive? Judy really didn't like Samantha; she found her loud, tactless and outspoken, the complete opposite to Judy. The last time Samantha visited her (this was over eight months ago, long before Judy and Maggie became a couple) she had made comments about Judy's cooking, basically saying it was disgusting; Samantha had insisted she was joking, but it seemed deadly serious to a very offended Judy. But Judy's main reason for disliking Samantha was the way her eyebrows shot up whenever she saw her and Maggie together - it was as if she was disgusted by them. It was particularly annoying when Judy thought of how many other people knew about her and Maggie, because none of them seemed to have an issue with it, but, if they did, they had the common decency to keep their mouths shut about it.

So, really, Judy wouldn't have had a problem with not inviting Samantha to the luncheon, but Maggie insisted that it would have been rude to do that - which was rich coming from her, Judy thought, because Maggie was often rude enough to vomit in someone's face. A few seconds after hearing her speak, Judy stifled a groan as Samantha entered the room, knowing that Samantha was inwardly judging her.

"Hello, Judy!" Samantha said brightly (but Judy could see that the smile on her face was false, because it didn't reach her eyes), and Judy turned to face her, trying her hardest to smile convincingly.

"Hello, Samantha." She replied stiffly, holding out her hand, which Samantha shook daintily.

They then stood in an awkward silence until Maggie entered the room, holding a plate of scones. She set them down on the table, and then turned to face Judy, looking at the floor, and Samantha, staring around the room.

"How are you dear?" Maggie said, using the best technique in awkward situation: small talk.

Judy didn't hear Samantha's reply - and didn't care, anyway - because, at that moment, the doorbell rang, and she went to answer it. Opening the door, Judy saw the three other guests: Irene Edwards, a quiet, tall ex-chef who was amazing at baking; Beatrice Waters, a cat lover who tended to talk non stop about her five cats; and Edith Kaye, a poetry enthusiast with a terrible stammer. Judy had never been more glad to see them: they were people she loved, and she knew they weren't prejudiced against her at all for being a lesbian.

"Hello!" She said to them all at one, stepping back to let them through the doorway. They all kissed Judy on the cheek as they passed her on their way to the dining room, each of them smiling broadly. That was another thing, Samantha wouldn't kiss Judy, so they had now taken to shaking hands like a pair of middle aged men.

It was great for them all to be together again; it cheered Judy up greatly to see everyone getting on so well - even Samantha - and she hoped that they'd all have a brilliant time, especially as Maggie was such a brilliant cook. As everyone chatted about the normal mundane things one talks about when hosting a party - Maggie and Samantha had a discussion about how much the Womens' Association managed to raise at their latest fundraiser (£120); and the others had a much more interesting chat about who they thought was going to leave this week on S_trictly Come Dancing_ (Judy was glad to have people to discuss her favourite programme with, for Maggie hated Strictly with a vengeance) - Judy's mouth kept watering as she smelled the latest cake baking in the oven, partly out of hunger and partly out of anticipation of how delicious it was going to taste.

They were all soon sat around the table, the guests marvelling at the array of sandwiches, cakes, scones and snacks that Maggie had cooked, which made Judy feel so proud, particularly when Maggie just smiled modestly at their compliments. Having not had any breakfast, Judy was starving, so, although she would have usually let their guests pick first, she dived in, and began to pile her plate up with food. It was absolutely delicious; Judy ate and ate until she was full, but felt that the food was too good to stop now, and continued to stuff her face.

"Judy?" She felt something nudge her arm, but didn't respond; Judy was daydreaming. She did it a lot without even realising it, but, even though she was staring into space, Judy continued to eat, something that, despite the fact that most people did it, the others found very strange, and almost unnerving.

"Judy?" She was shoved harder this time, and managed to jerk back into conscious thought.

Swallowing her mouthful, Judy turned to Maggie, who had been prodding her, "Were you trying to talk to me, Maggie?" She asked, already feeling embarrassed.

"No, but Samantha was," Maggie replied. She smiled fondly at her girlfriend. "You really were daydreaming, weren't you?"

"I'm sorry, Maggie." Judy found herself apologising again.

"Anyway!" Samantha said loudly, turning the attention back to her. "As I was _saying_, did you decorate the table, Judy?" She asked. Why did Samantha always have to be the centre of attention?

As her mouth was full again, Judy just nodded.

"Well, I think you did a very good job with it, dear," She smiled at Judy, getting several murmurs in agreement. It was amazing, Judy thought, Samantha was being nice! But then she went and spoiled it.

Judy, now feeling uncomfortably full, reached for another scone, because they were so delicious, and had just bitten into it when Samantha said,

"Haven't you had enough, Judy?" She said it lightly, as if she was being friendly - but Judy knew better, the look in Samantha's eyes told Judy she was being deadly serious.

Feeling guilty, Judy put the rest of the scone back on her plate, realising that Samantha was right - she was being greedy. She hoped, now she wasn't eating, that Samantha would leave it, but, then, to her horror, the others joined in too.

"Yes, Judy, save some for us," Beatrice added jokingly, but, to Judy it was an insult.

"You'll surely explode if you eat any more." Edith stammered.

"She looks like she's going to explode already," Samantha, sat opposite Judy, gestured to Judy's stomach. Looking down, Judy's heart sank as she saw how large it was - how could she have eaten so much? Her ears turned red as she realised everyone was now laughing, but Judy tried to ignore them - until she realised that Maggie was laughing too. How could Maggie be so cruel? Wanting to cry, Judy forced her eyes away from her swollen abdomen, and looked straight at Samantha.

"I'm sorry," She said meekly, trying to stop her voice wavering, "I shouldn't have been so greedy, but-"

Samantha cut her off, "Of course you shouldn't - the amount you eat, Judy, I'm seriously surprised that you're only fat, not obese."

Fat. Judy looked down, and saw that Samantha was right - she was fat; very fat. Maggie was still laughing, and it made Judy feel so betrayed - Maggie was meant to care about her, not laugh at the harsh comments being made about her size.

"How do you put up with Judy being so fat, Maggie?" Samantha asked. As she said the word again, a lump appeared in Judy's throat. Looking at Maggie, Judy silently pleaded for Maggie to stick up for her. "Because I couldn't love someone who looked so... like Judy." That hurt: Judy screwed her face up for a few seconds, trying not to cry. Her chest hurt from being so tense, and the lump in her throat made swallowing agony. But even though it was clear how much their conversation was upsetting Judy, no one seemed to notice.

Maggie paused, as if thinking up an answer. "I love Judy for who she is, not for what she looks like." Maggie responded calmly, and Judy let herself relax, smiling at Maggie, who was still looking at Samantha. But Maggie's eyes then lit up, and she added, "But, maybe I would prefer it if there was less of her." Still thinking they were joking, the others laughed again, but, for Judy, it was too much, and she began to sob.

"This isn't funny, not at all!" Judy cried, face streaming with tears, and she jumped to her feet, hurrying from the room.

Realising what she had just done, Maggie called after her, "I'm sorry, Judy! Please come back!" Her voice wavered as she shouted.

"It was only a joke," Samantha said defensively.

"Is she alright?" Irene asked nervously.

"I'm not sure." Maggie said more to herself, and, getting up, she headed off to find Judy. "But I hope so."


	3. Chapter 3

Judy had to get away. She hurtled out of the room as fast as she could, not really knowing where she was going. Her eyes streamed with tears, blurring the lenses of her glasses, but Judy somehow made her way into the bedroom. Not bothering to take off her shoes, Judy threw herself onto the bed, her sobs intensifying as the springs creaked under her weight. Judy then curled up, sobbing heavily as if she was going to have a breakdown. Why had they all been so cruel? Surely, they must have seen she was upset by it, but that continued to make comments nevertheless. But what hurt the most, and made her cry the hardest, was the fact that Maggie joined in with them. Judy had never been really self-conscious about her weight, but it was something she found a bit uncomfortable to talk about, and Maggie knew that...at least, Judy thought she knew.

Maggie poked she head around the door, and saw Judy crying hysterically. "Judy?" She said cautiously, sitting down beside her shaking girlfriend. Maggie tried to put her arm around Judy's heaving shoulders, but Judy pulled away from her, convinced that Maggie hated her.

"Leave me alone, Maggie." She sobbed bitterly, unable to look up at Maggie. Judy imagined Maggie was staring at her stomach, wondering how she could love someone so fat.

"I'm sorry, Judy." There were tears in Maggie's eyes; she hated seeing Judy in such a state.

Still not looking at Maggie, Judy said, "But why did you say it in the first place?"

"I thought it was a joke," Maggie sighed, taking Judy's hand and interlocking their fingers. "But I had no idea how horrible I was being -I'm so sorry."

Judy finally looked up at Maggie, but, as her glasses were streaked with tears, she couldn't actually see her expression. "Do you really wish I was thinner?" She whispered.

Maggie pulled Judy into a hug, letting Judy rest her head on her shoulder. Trying to suppress her sobs, Judy pressed her lips against Maggie's cardigan, but the noise she made now was even louder. "Of course not - I love you for being you, your size doesn't matter to me, Judy." She said earnestly, and Judy could tell she meant it.

But despite the reassuring words, Judy couldn't stop thinking about what Maggie and Samantha had said, because she knew that they were correct: she was fat. Which was why she cried so hard; she cried until her throat hurt, her eyes were swollen, and Maggie's cardigan was soaked with her tears. When, eventually, Judy stopped sobbing, Maggie gently mopped her up with a handkerchief, murmuring soothingly into Judy's ear.

She then moved away from Judy, and stood up, trying to untangle her's and Judy's fingers. Judy whispered, holding onto Maggie's hand as if she couldn't let go. She needed support right now, and Maggie was the only one who could give it to her.

"I need to go, Judy," Maggie said softly, looking straight into Judy's bloodshot eyes.

Although it was obvious that Maggie was just going to head back downstairs, Judy began to tell herself that Maggie didn't want her, that she wasn't god enough for her. Trying not to set herself off crying again, Judy, realising that Maggie was serious, reluctantly let go of Maggie's hand.

"Thank you," Maggie said, a bit more sharply than she would have liked to. To try and tell Judy she wasn't trying to snap at her, Maggie smiled warmly, but it didn't convince Judy at all. Having one last look at Judy's tear stained face, Maggie sighed, before heading back downstairs to deal with their guests.

Now alone, Judy looked down at her stomach, knowing that she was fat. She didn't know why she hadn't realised it before. Of course, Judy had always know that she was a bit chubby, maybe slightly overweight, but not _fat._

Even though she knew they were correct, she still imagined Maggie and Samantha laughing about her size, which almost set her off crying again. Judy was so hot from crying that she felt slightly delirious; she couldn't stop herself imagining all sorts of horrible things about her being so fat, but the worst was Maggie finding someone else - someone thin...

Suddenly standing up, Judy walked purposefully into the en suite bathroom, and dragged their ancient set of scales out from under the bathroom unit. Unsurprisingly, the scales were caked in dust, which Judy had to wipe off so she could actually read it. Carefully setting the scales down on the linoleum floor, Judy was about to step onto the scales when she remembered that taking your clothes off made the results more accurate. Closing the door, Judy quickly undressed, pulling off her flat shoes, and yanking her dress over her head so fast that she pulled her glasses off of her face. She swore as they smacked into the edge of the bathtub, making an awful sound. Even without them on, Judy could see a large crack in the left lens of her glasses, but, not knowing what else to do, she just put them back on again. Her vision was now horribly distorted, but Judy knew she just had to put up with it.

Realising that she had got herself sidetracked, Judy removed the rest of her clothing so she was completely naked, and, taking a deep breath, stepped onto the scales. Her eyes widened in disgust as she saw her weight - how on earth could she weigh twelve whole stone? Judy felt disgusted - she was only five foot six inches tall, that was far too short for the amount she weighed. Choking back a sob, Judy realised that everyone, including herself, really had been correct, for she was fat, overweight, maybe even obese. She suddenly kicked the scales as hard as she could, making her toes click painfully. Great, now she was going mad as well as being fat.

Wincing, Judy shoved the scales back under the unit, and turned around to pick up her clothes. Which was when she saw her reflection in the full length mirror on the back of the door, and a gasp of horror escaped Judy's mouth. She stared, wide eyed, at her chubby cheeks and double chin, her massive stomach, her chunky legs, her podgy arms, wondering how she could possibly look so grotesque. How was she still with someone as thin as Maggie, when she looked like this? Maggie could do so much better than a disgusting fat lesbian like her, was what Judy told herself, and tears once again began to trickle down her face.

It was then that Judy vowed to lose weight, wanting to stop Samantha mocking her size again, but, mainly, to stop Maggie leaving her, because she was so emotionally unstable right now, the Judy wouldn't be able to cope if she was abandoned by the one she loved. She didn't know how long she just stood there - it could have been thirty seconds, it could have been an hour - just thinking about her weight, her size, and what the others had said about her, repeating those terrible phrases in her head: "..._the amount you eat, Judy, I'm seriously surprised that you're only fat, not obese."; "How do you put up with Judy being so fat, Maggie?"; "...I couldn't love someone who looked so... like Judy."; "...maybe I would prefer it if there was less of her."..._

Furiously wiping her eyes, Judy pulled her horrible, unflattering dress back on, and went back into the bedroom, still hearing Maggie's cruel, but understandable words:

___"...maybe I would prefer it if there was less of her." _

Judy sat down on the edge of the bed, looking at a photograph of her and Maggie that had been taken on a day trip to the beach a couple of months ago. She remembered how Maggie had asked a teenage girl and her girlfriend to take a photo of the pair of them, knowing that, as a pair of lesbians themselves, they wouldn't be homophobic - which they weren't, they were actually extremely nice people. Judy stared more closely at the photo, remarking at how happy they both looked; Maggie had her arm around Judy's shoulders, and was leaning down to kiss Judy, who had to crane her neck upwards, quite deeply on the lips.

But now, Judy imagined Maggie with someone much more attractive than her - and much thinner - and she grabbed a fistful of her hair in each hand, tugging on it hard. She closed her eyes to try and blot out the image, but now she saw Maggie kissing the thin girl, and bit her lip so hard to stop herself screaming that she drew blood.

She couldn't let that happen. Maggie wanted Judy to be thinner, so that was what she would do; Judy was going to get thin, as thin as she needed to be for Maggie to find her attractive. She was going lose weight - she had to.

Judy wasn't going to be Maggie's fat girlfriend any more. She wasn't going to be fat for much longer...


End file.
